I know what I have always dreamed of since I was a little. I was so focused on how to make it happen. People thought I was a very determined kid who knew what I was doing and what I wanted in life.
I thought I knew what I was doing and what I wanted.
I dreamed something complicated and when I was a kid, it was such a big dream. But I kept believing that I would someday make it come true. And no one had doubt in me. I was sure everybody thought I was capable in reaching that dream. They would say that I was smart and that I had what it would take to actually grab it.
Apparently, the world gets scarier as time goes by. As I grow up, I see how the world is much more complicated than it was when I was a kid. It's no longer about knowing what's good and what's bad. It's beyond that. Sometimes everything is good, but I just need to choose which one would suit me best. The world is also unexpectedly competitive. Everybody seems to be very determined and would do anything to get what they want in life. Honestly, it scares me. Call me a coward, because maybe I am. But I didn't expect the world would be this rude. And this kind of world somehow buries the old me and my dream. This is perhaps because I had a pretty nice life back then. I think I kept my eyes shut while I was living. Perhaps I was too self-centered back then.
Don't ask whether I still have that dream or not, because it will always be a dream. Nevertheless, it's no longer my priority. I don't live to chase that dream. Throughout the years, I've been building a new dream. A very simple dream. A dream that might make my parents mad because it's not big enough, or because they would think I'm losing my direction in life.
But one thing for sure, I strive for happiness. Yes, that big dream which has been buried would make me happy, yet I realize there's something simpler that will make me happier. I learn that from my sensitivity. I grew to be a very sensitive young lady. Someone who would cry over a TV show. Someone who could not stand goodbyes. Someone who appreciates sincerity and honesty highly. The bottom line is, I've been crying a lot. I sometimes even think of how can I never run out of tears?
Nevertheless, I guess crying helps me understand what are the things that really mean to me. What things are dear to my heart, and what actually touches me. I knew what I really want, it might be a very simple thing, but I have no other obsession.
About the dream that was buried? As the world grows to be more sophisticated, it's no longer a big thing for people to get. Almost every people have experienced it, and to be very honest, I always enjoy going through every single photos that I found which captured the moment people experiencing it. I feel happy for them. Sure, I want to experience it myself, I want to prove whether everything I heard is true, I want to see things I saw through photos with my own eyes. But perhaps I am too scared to even start. No, it's not impossible for me to also have the chance to experience it, but I think I am happy enough to see people are having the best time of their lives. Call me naive, but I guess it's true.
For me, apparently, it's not easy to step out of the comfort zone. I am too scared, and I think I am having a good time right now, focusing on the little things that might seems cheesy and small to other people. But I know myself better, and I know what I actually strive for.
And I think, I'm living a pretty nice life, aren't I? :)
Love,
Binar
