Hmm

It hurts, but thanks.. I'm glad for you and I wish you so much luck. Maybe I'll just wait without any expectation..
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Please don't....

Don't try to avoid me
Don't pretend to be someone else
Don't hide
Don't say that you don't know how I feel, cause I know that you know
Don't judge
Don't think bad at me
Don't hesitate to talk to me
Don't let anyone else know but us
Don't stay far away from me
Don't treat me as if you're a jerk, cause in my deepest heart, I still have faith that you're not
Don't hurt anyone, hurt me first if you have to hurt someone
Don't blame anyone, just blame ourselves
Don't regret, cause it'll just change nothing, I already happened
Don't stop laughing and smiling, cause I like the way you laugh and smile
Don't let anyone judge, they don't know what really happened
Don't make decision carelessly

Please.... Don't change. Don't go.....
Please stay the same................

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I am pathetic

It's not easy to find you between those hundreds of people. But I know, you're there, somewhere. Whatever people might say, I don't care. I can't deny that this thing feels great yet it confuses me. I don't know either what you meant or what you want. I really want you to know what in my mind is. But you know, it takes courage. And I still don't have it yet. Also, if I tell you these, I'm afraid that you would change. And I don't want you to change.

Do you know something? I bravely say that what I feel is different from any other feeling I had already had before. Why? Because I've never been this freak. It's a feeling I've already had since years ago, but I didn't know that it could be this powerful. I thought I could bury you in my deepest heart. But I was wrong. At that moment, it wakes up and appear strongly out of nowhere but my heart. It's been there for years. But it wasn't as powerful as now that you had woken it up.

I know it's wrong, but don't judge please. It comes out of nowhere, and it's uncontrollable. It already hurts with no one knows. I don't know what will happen if someone finds out. Yea it will hurt even more.

It's strong, trust me. But I'll just keep it. Please talk to me, and tell me everything I need to know, plus answer all the questions I have in mind. I'll support every step you take, whatever decision you make. I promise you, I will.

Oh, dear God, look.. Look how pathetic I am.......................

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18 questions I've got in mind

Are you there? Do you constantly have a look at my blog? Do you know what I'm feeling now? Do you know how it hurts to be unable to tell it to anyone? Do you know what I mean in this post? Are we cool? Are we gonna talk about it or just let it flow like nothing happened? Do you feel the same as what I feel now? Am I stupid? Or am I an evil? Can you feel how complicated it is? Are you happy? Do you know what this is? Is it a game? Is it an occasionally game? Are you trying to hurt me? Do I hurt someone? Will you let it be a secret to everybody else but us?

If you read these questions, please answer straightly to me in a way nobody can hear and understand. You know who you are. Please, I'm begging you to answer. But please don't change after you answer, please stay the way you are.

-Binar S. Suryandari-

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What's this?

It's a fantasy. Oh, no it's not. It's real. It's calming. It's gentle. It's relaxing. But no it's not relieving. It's a problem yet it makes me glad. It feels great but it's not okay. It drives me crazy yet happy at the same time. No, it's not a good thing. It's something I am not supposed to have or feel. But, oh dear God, it's something I can't refuse, I can't deny, and I can't control. What's this? Oh yea, it's something I can't tell anyone but my reflection on the mirror.

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It's a sorry

I'm sorry, really sorry.. I refused not because I didn't want to. I cancelled because it was not the right time. I couldn't go because I did have things to do, that's why I refused and cancelled it. I am sorry, very sorry if you get it wrong. I hope we're cool. Seriously, I didn't mean to. I know you're mad at me, but please forgive.. I am really, really sorry...........................

To : A friend of mine
From : Binar S. Suryandari

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Write 15 things that you want to say to 15 different people, one for each. It could be a confession, an opinion, a thought, anything. However, you can't write something you already confessed or something you already said, it has to be something new. Tell them which is whom if you want to, but you don't have to.

In this post (in random order) : Titis Lintang Andari, Rakha Agung Suryandaru, Anisa Agtriani, Nisrina Damiyati, Utari Nur Kharunissa, Distie Saraswati, Andhini Nafisah Febrina, Alfi Rosyidi, Avian Andika, Kevin Pardede, Mulia Destini, Laksmana Gusti Handoko, Luna Puspita, Andika Chaktiaji Zulfiqar, Pramudita Hanum Andaristi

1. "Heyho minnesota girl! I miss having an one-minded classmate like you.."
2. "Cieeeee tertarik sama 'Asta'?."
3. "It's always nice to have you in my room and tell you my things. You've really grown up fast, brother! Can't believe how mature you are now!"
4. "Be patient, friend. She's uncool to do that to you and go having fun with her new boyfriend."
5. "Hello there! Wow, always feel great to have a chat with you. I'm always glad to help.."
6. "How's life? And how's your Schoolympic curly boy, huh? Send my regard to Bunda :)"
7. "I don't get it when you say that you owed me many things. I don't think you owe me something.. What does it mean?"
8. "This is honest, I admire you. Anyway I hardly understand words you're using in your blog, too complicated for me -_- And yes, you're definitely a psikopat!!!"
9. "Thank you very much.. And yes, I wish you so much luck in the future. I always have faith that you'll be one of those successful people in this country :-)"
10. "We're friends since elementary school, and now I know your biggest secret! But trust me, I won't tell anyone"
11. "Hello sexy, I miss you. And I know you miss me too hehe. Anyway thanks for calling on my birthday. It did mean a lot :-) looking forward to hearing from you via mails as always!"
12. "Sorry for cancelling your treats. Besides my inability to do it, I also don't want to go with just the two of us. It's kinda stressing for me -.-"
13. "Hey, I hope he's not only your first boyfriend, but also your last boyfriend till you get married, have kids, and face the end of the life :-) "
14. "Weey, I miss you! How's the ipod Nessa and I made for you? Isn't it cool, huh? Enjoy your Utah, girl!"
15. "Hmm still remember 'KitaBerlima'? Hahaha from that 5friends, look who are still best friends. Us, isn't it? You're really a mom-person. You do what elder people do, and it's great, really!"

So, can you guess which one is for you?

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Bonus

I want to get it, really. This is a dream I've been dreaming since I was in elementary school. I'll do anything to get it. Well, how if I am asked to be able to get it in a much easier way? Wow, of course, normal people will say yes, including me. I want to get it through this easier way, yes I really want. But how if after I apply, their answer is a no? Hmm a month ago, I remember myself telling "I don't know how to be able to take another way". No, now I've changed my way of thinking -> "It's a bonus if you can get it through the easy way"

Yes it is a bonus. No matter what, it's not an absolute thing. I cannot depend on that bonus thing only. I realised I have to get a grip too in another way. If I can get it, I'll be very happy, happy as I never be. I'll hug my parents, streaming down the happy tears. And I promise, I'll help my friends to get what they want too. But, if I can't get it, surely, I'll cry. I'll regret things but I won't make it long. I have to get up and realise there are still ways waiting for me. And yes, improve myself and try my best.

It's a dream. It still is. But to get it through the easier way is a bonus. I want the easier way, but if I can't get it........ Well, nothing to lose then, right?

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