Words.

I love words, I'm easily blinded by them, and they can easily make me believe them.
But some irresponsible people use them to manipulate me.
They take advantage of how much I love words.
They say the words I want to hear, the words I want to believe. And they actually make me believe them.
They use words but end up doing nothing.
They forget their words they made me believe.
They do anything else but what their words promised.

They lie. They betray.

Anger Management

Can anger management actually be done?
For me, the answer is a yes.

Anger management can indeed be done, nonetheless it requires a 'but'.
It can be done, but there will be sacrifices that have to be made.
The sacrifices vary in many ways.
It can be words left unspoken, emotions buried, forced smiles, insincere laughter, and other cruel things that damage ourselves from the inside.

We manage our anger, so it won't be shown in our face, our attitude, or our actions.
It can succeed. The others won't know.

But again, are you really willing to give up your soul just to be damaged from the inside?
Well, we do have options.

Have you?

Have you ever felt that something is right, even when at some point it bugs you so much, you still don't want to let go?
Have you ever done something you are not meant to, but you still don't regret doing it?
Have you ever hung on to something, even though you know how unsure and not promising it is, you just can't think of anything else to hang on?
Have you ever drawn yourself into a situation in which you feel hurt so much but it still makes you happy because you know you're doing something right and it's good for the others?
Have you ever been so involved with your emotions, and however vibrant your world is, you still put a fake smile just to express how happy you are and to hide your emotions?
Have you ever thought that no one should know a thing about you, but at some point you feel the need to let it all out just to keep yourself sane?
Have you ever believed so much in faith,  even when the world tells you the opposites, you still don't care and still feel guided by the faith?
Have you ever wanted to freeze the time to do nothing but to see, capture, and keep a sincere smile of someone that appears right in front of you?
Have you ever done something you always resist to do, but you just cannot fight yourself from not doing it?
Have you ever smiled at something no one understands and you can't really explain what exactly that makes you smile?
Have you ever stopped at the crossroad, felt confused to choose which way to go, but your intuition drives you to go to a direction that no one agrees?
Have you ever needed something so bad, and when you can't find it, you still think hard to find a way to get it?
Have you ever talked to the mirror and felt that it helps you so much in making you feel more relieved and in figuring things out?
Have you ever fallen so deeply in love, even if the world tells you not to, says it's not the right thing to do, or doesn't understand why, you still can't find a way to omit the feeling easily?

Have you guys ever?
If you haven't, you will find those situation someday in your journey, and yes, don't worry, it's just normal :)

"I don’t know, there’s something about you. Say there’s an hourglass: the sand’s about to run out. Someone like you can always be counted on to turn the thing over"

-Haruki Murakami,  A Wild Sheep Chase- 

Dear love, thank you for stopping by..

Sarah Kay & Phil Kaye (Project Voice), "When Love Arrives".





.....

Love is not who you were expecting, love is not who you can predict.
Maybe love is in New York City, already asleep, and you are in California, Australia, wide awake.
Maybe love is always in the wrong time zone, maybe love is not ready for you. Maybe you are not ready for love.
Maybe love just isn't the marrying type.
Maybe the next time you see love is twenty years after the divorce, love is older now, but just as beautiful as you remembered.
Maybe love is only there for a month.
Maybe love is there for every firework, every birthday party, every hospital visit.
Maybe love stays- maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn't.


Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to, and love leaves exactly when love must.
When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”
If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper, “Thank you. Thank you for stopping by.”

This is nice, this is love, this is friendship.

"I have seen the best of you and the worst of you and I choose both. I want to share every single one of your sunshines and save them for later. I want to tuck them into my pockets and give them back to you when the rains fall hard. I want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself. I want to be the air in your lungs to remind you to breathe easy. When the walls come down, when the thunder rumbles, hold my hand, and I promise, I won't let go."

-Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye (Project Voice), "An Origin Story".-

Unspoken

"If you have to give one of your parts of body to the one you love the most, what will you give?"

"I'll give him my eye, so he can see himself the way I always see him. I want him to realize that he's that good, and yes, he's one of a kind." 

The art of discovering yourself.

It is writing.

I'm definitely not a writer. Perhaps will never be one.

But yes, I write. Everyday.

I write things, things that bother me, things that are left unspoken, things that I believe will help me know more about myself.

So I've been writing in an old-fashioned way for about a month, yes in a book, an actual book.

I write every time I need to say something to myself, I write every time I need to convey a message but don't know how to.

I think I need to write to keep my sanity.

I am afraid that some day I will explode if I don't write. I need to keep my mind healthy and sane.

I enjoy writing. Again, I don't write for others to see. I write to express myself.

I know that people always tell me that I am an expressive person, but in fact there are more to my emotions than meets the eye.

This blog is one media that I use to express myself, but yes, to express those which I allow others to see. And to help me build the ability to write longer words, a few days ago, I decided to delete my twitter application in my cellphone. And, I hope that will help me to write here or in my book with an actual pen.

So just in case you're wondering why I don't write here regularly, I just want to tell you that I may have too much fun writing to myself in that book. I am in a process to rebuild my ignored self by collating pieces of myself through personal words there. 

However, I do hope I can still manage my time to write here as well, to convey messages to others, to make others know that I'm still the same expressive me, and to remind myself that I have people to talk to as well.

Life is good, life needs me to know myself. Life wants me to get a grip and be good too.

Happy discovering yourself! Happy writing! 

Cheers!

Concerns

Why do I have to know you by now?
Why don't you just appear some time in the future?
Why can't we just meet some time in the future?
Why now?

I'm just afraid that I can not keep you close until 'the future' really comes and greets me..
I want to, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to.

Perfect?

Okay, the word 'perfect' might be overrated, but I did have a nearly perfect day.

It was yesterday, on September 19th.

I had been in a very tense and heart-breaking situation for a few days. I had to see my beloved one suffering from a quite severe illness. My Dad. The one I consider as my best friend in the house, the one that lights up the whole house, the one I look up to, the one I can never imagine to live my life without. He got a heart-attack while driving alone, and he was brought to the hospital immediately.

When that happened, I was in a friend's house which was very far from home. I was about to have fun. When I found out, I could barely think of anything else except going to the hospital right at that moment. I told my friends, tried to hold the tears from coming down, and stormed away to get a taxi. I didn't care how much it'd cost me, I didn't care how far I was from the hospital. I just knew that I had to be there as soon as possible.

Long story short, my dad's heart needed to be planted 2 more stents. He already had 2 stents and 2 ballons inside his blood vessels near the heart 6 years ago when he had his first heart-attack. And the process of installing those stents was held yesterday, on September 19th. It was my birthday. I had never imagined having a birthday in the hospital in such tense circumstances. But seriously, I didn't care about my birthday, I even almost forgot about it. 

So, yesterday I woke up in the hospital with total awareness that it was my birthday, apparently so was my mother. She wished me a happy birthday and followed by my dad. He was conscious and he looked much better. I knew my dad had to go to the operation room soon. But, my mom told me to get out from the room and take a walk because I had flu. And when I walked by myself while whispering prayers for my dad, he called. He told me that he had already been summoned to the O.R. I was shocked, I worried. I ran away to accompany my mom who apparently was more concerned than I was. I had to calm her.

About 2 hours later, he came to the room and he looked so much better even though I knew he was kinda tired. I was so relieved, I was happy. He was fine, nothing went wrong and 2 stents had been installed nicely in his heart. I couldn't hold my tears as I prayed and thanked God when I was alone.
It was the best gift ever. 

Although it was enough for me to call it a happy birthday, the day was not over yet.

At about 8pm, someone knocked the door and I opened it. It was a friend of mine who I didn't expect to come at all. He told me that there were other friends outside the ICCU and they were not allowed to come in because there were too many of them. So I went out and found out that there were a dozen of them coming to the hospital to wish me a happy birthday and to visit my dad. Although I was bad at expressing my emotion, my heart melted. I could only say how happy I was and I could only thank them for coming. But honestly, inside my heart, I was so surprised and touched by what they did to me. 

I just had the best birthday in my 20 years of living.

---------

I cannot lie that it was one of the saddest moments in my life so far.

But I was so blessed to have those people that brightened up my darkest days.

And dear God, thanks for all the ease that made the process my dad had to go through go smoothly.

I am grateful. I am happy.

I was trapped in my mind

The wind touches everything it sees

Blowing them as if they were as light as feather

Giving me the picture of my life in slow-motion

Allowing me to breath even more deeply and see pictures with my eyes closed as if I am blindfolded

A small yet vibrant house that I call home

Familiar faces that I always carry in mind wherever I go

Warm laughter which fulfills the everyday life there

I realize I haven't been there for a while, to taste the warmth and happiness it always offers

I then suddenly feel the need of being there. I miss it.

Then the picture changes,

It changes to hundred of other pictures I recall from my memory

Lots of smiling faces, and the feel of warm hugs I've been given

The feel of cold tears streaming down my face

Happy moments, hurtful moments

I see vibrant colours that represent my emotions

I see people from my past in their best look and expression

Oh God, I am happy.

As I smile, the picture starts to change again,

To a very different surrounding that I didn't expect before

It changes to many different situations which have occurred in the last 2 years

To a set of pictures that reflect the atmosphere that links to my life lately

In those many pictures, I begin to see the face of a boy I am familiar with

The one I feel comfortable with

The one that makes me feel that it's okay to be me

I remember the way he makes me feel that I don't have to be pretty in front of him

I remember how we share laughter and tears during our conversation and still be stupid

The one that I can say is close to my heart

Or perhaps, he has taken a cozy little spot there

An imaginary move my heart cannot even refuse

I remember how I always enjoy talking to him

Or how I always tell him to do things that can actually push myself further from my expectation

....but somehow I am glad to see the smiles that I make appear on his face

I seriously am sincere to give him anything that makes him smile, that makes him feel glad

Even if it drives me away from what I desire, it still feels easy.
And the best part is: I am happy.

I haven't given up on my ability to reach you, to feel you within my grasp. Yet it's not what I push to happen. Because if it's meant to be, it will be. Now I sincerely will always work on making the smiles keep appearing from your face. It's not hard, it feels sincerely easy.

Perhaps, happiness is an overrated word. 

Perhaps, my happiness now is as easy as not being selfish and be around the happy you.

Menyelami lautan yang diwarnai makna

Tepat satu bulan yang lalu saya menjadi bagian dari penduduk asli suatu negara kecil selama 10 hari. Negara Orientasi namanya. Negara ini dibentuk secara sengaja untuk bahan pembelajaran segala manusia yang singgah dan tinggal di dalamnya. Pembentukan negara ini telah berlangsung beberapa bulan sebelum negara ini akhirnya benar-benar terwujudkan dan dapat beroperasi.

Beberapa teman sering menceritakan tentang Negara Orientasi ini dan bagaimana kesan yang mereka rasakan saat terlibat di dalamnya. Namun, ini pertama kalinya saya berkunjung dan menjadi bagian dari negara ini. Jujur saya cemas, saya takut bertingkah salah, namun saya juga amat tidak sabar menunggu negara tersebut benar-benar beroperasi. Saya baru, saya tidak tahu apa-apa. Iya, saya memang dengar banyak cerita, tapi saya tidak bisa benar-benar percaya sampai saya terjun dan menjadi bagian di dalamnya.

Akhirnya, 10 hari yang ditunggu itu tiba..

Apa yang saya lakukan selama 10 hari itu? Saya mengerjakan pekerjaan saya, saya mengamati, saya berbagi, dan yang paling penting; saya belajar.

Saya bertemu penduduk asli Negara Orientasi yang beberapa di antaranya tidak saya kenal sebelumnya. Saya bertemu adik-adik yang tengah singgah ke negara tersebut dengan niatan murni untuk menyerap dan belajar.

Saya berinteraksi dan menjalin hubungan indah dengan kakak-kakak yang tulus, yang luar biasa berdedikasi untuk sama-sama mendambakan dunia yang lebih baik dan diisi oleh manusia-manusia hebat yang paham arti kehidupan sesungguhnya. Saya dikelilingi manusia-manusia yang tanpa sadar keberadaannya menerangi dan menginspirasi.

Saya takluk dan teresap dalam sebuah lingkaran besar penuh kedekatan dan makna di mana mimpi, harapan, ambisi, dan motivasi tergantung indah menunggu untuk dihampiri dan berkumpul serta menghadirkan warna-warni pada atmosfer yang bergelung di sekitaran. 

Saya hanyut dalam suasana riuh penuh gelak tawa, obrolan hangat, tangis haru dan kebersamaan yang tidak pernah saya sadari bisa seindah ini.

Baik yang singgah maupun penduduk asli sama-sama berpengaruh dan bersinergi menghadirkan suasana nyaman dan menyenangkan. Seluruhnya lelah dan diserang rasa kantuk, namun entah bagaimana hal itu tidak sekalipun menurunkan rasa semangat. Rasa semangat yang timbul karena tau bahwa perjalanan akan segera dimulai, bahwa mimpi itu mungkin akan menjadi nyata, dan bahwa harapan itu tinggal beberapa jengkal lagi untuk bisa dikecap. 

Penduduk asli mempersiapkan yang singgah untuk dapat paham dan bijaksana dalam menjalani mimpi mereka. Saya sendiri, meminjam frasa dari seorang teman, mengirim mimpi. Mimpi yang tidak terwujudkan sebelumnya, mimpi bahwa orang-orang ini bisa menjadi lebih dari sekadar manusia biasa, mimpi bahwa sedikit-demi-sedikit kita akan ikut membantu membangun dunia yang didambakan.

Selama 10 hari itu, saya terlibat hubungan manis eksklusif penuh pelajaran dan inspirasi.

Saya rindu berbagi tawa dan tangis haru, saya rindu merasa terinspirasi, saya rindu atmosfer warna-warni dan dikelilingi oleh mimpi yang tengah dirajut, saya rindu menyelam dalam kolam penuh antusiasme dan motivasi tinggi akan terwujudnya sebuah harapan, saya rindu raut-raut wajah yang tertarik dan ingin menyerap segala ilmu yang disodorkan. Saya rindu malam-malam di mana waktu tidur ditukar menjadi obrolan ceria dan determinasi tinggi untuk menciptakan pertunjukan yang spektakuler. Saya rindu menikmati makan bersama sambil mendengar celotehan lucu orang-orang itu. Saya rindu mendengarkan segala lelucon konyol yang dilontarkan. Saya rindu dikelilingi oleh atmosfer itu.

Saya rindu kebersamaan itu. Saya rindu Negara Orientasi.

Atmosfer baru yang riuh dan penuh harapan

Ini adalah sebuah curahan hati yang tertunda, yang baru sempat dituangkan sekarang, yang baru mampu dibagi saat ini, yang baru lega untuk diceritakan kembali...

Aku ingat bagaimana hancurnya hatiku ketika aku harus menerima fakta bahwa aku gagal. Aku ingat betapa sakit hatinya aku saat itu, ketika kusadari bahwa hal ini akan selalu terngiang-ngiang di telingaku dan bahwa hal ini akan menandai sebuah jalan baru yang tidak pernah aku inginkan. Aku ingat betapa perihnya rasa saat tau bahwa mimpi yang telah aku bangun rapi dan berusaha diraih selama 5 tahun terakhir akhirnya harus pecah.

Aku ingat segala hal itu. Aku kecewa, tapi aku munafik dan berusaha melanjutkan hidup tanpa ingat apapun tentang momen itu. 

Tapi entah apa yang terjadi selama 1-2 tahun terakhir ini, aku kembali merengkuh pecahan-pecahan mimpi aku yang kukira dulu telah sirna. Merengkuh bukan untuk membangunnya kembali, merengkuh untuk disusun menjadi sebuah sinar yang mungkin bisa menerangkan yang lain. 

Aku berterima-kasih sebesar-besarnya kepada teman-teman aku yang mungkin tanpa sengaja melibatkanku dalam kegiatan-kegiatan Bina Antarbudaya ini. Sungguh, aku suka dan rela bekerja bersama teman-teman volunteer Bina Antarbudaya. Segala kekhawatiranku tidak terbukti. Aku dulu hanyalah satu dari ratusan-ribu helai jerami yang ditumpuk, bukan salah satu dari jarum dalam tumpukan tersebut. Aku bukan yang terpilih, aku tidak mengenyam hal yang sama seperti yang kakak-kakak ini rasakan. Tapi nyatanya, semua sakit hati itu yang menggiringku kembali kemari. Dan saat ini, semua sakit hati itu terbayarkan dengan rasa puas, gelak tawa, dan air mata haru yang kuperoleh dari sini. Aku bekerja tanpa dibayar, aku lelah dan terkadang susah, tapi sungguh aku rela. Aku puas dengan apa yang kudapatkan. Non-material, tentunya. Bahkan sebuah nilai plus bagiku, ketika aku dibandingkan dengan kakakku, atau ketika aku merasa terharu dan bangga melihatnya mengisi sesi layaknya penerang di depan ratusan anak yang tengah merajut mimpi. Sungguh, aku merasa sangat beruntung bisa ikut terlibat di dalam komunitas ini. 

Tercebur kembali dalam kolam ini adalah hal luar biasa yang terjadi dalam rangkaian kehidupanku. Aku bisa melihat segala mimpi-mimpi diwujudkan, aku bisa belajar segala macam tentang kehidupan. Tidak muluk-muluk bicara tentang negara atau perdamaian dunia, tapi aku bisa tersenyum melihat bagaimana perbedaan menjadi sebuah pemanis dalam hubungan antar manusia. Aku bisa merasakan atmosfer riuh penuh mimpi dan harapan yang bisa membuatku menangis haru..

Luar biasa.

Terima kasih, kakak-kakak volunteer Bina Antarbudaya!

Teman.

I don't know what inspires me to write this, but let me share something that has been in my mind for a while, waiting to be let out.

Aku ingin bicara tentang ... teman.

Kalau ada yang tanya teman itu apa, aku jujur aku mungkin tak akan bisa menjawabnya dengan skor yang sempurna.
Apa coba definisi teman? Jika tanya ke Google, mungkin akan banyak definisi indah yang muncul dan pantas untuk dapat skor bagus, A mungkin.
Tapi kalo aku ditanya teman itu apa, aku cuma bisa bilang teman itu orang yang selalu ada dan dekat.
Dan teman itu punya hak-hak istimewa atas diriku yang mungkin orang lain tidak punya.
Mereka mengambil sedikit waktuku tanpa aku merasa rugi. Mereka mengambil sedikit energiku untuk mengeluarkan berbagai emosi tanpa aku merasa lelah. Bahkan, mereka mengambil sedikit tempat di hatiku yang membuatku sulit untuk merasa sakit hati walaupun mereka berbicara kasar ataupun menempeleng kepalaku saat aku sedang tolol.
Tanpa sadar pun aku (dan aku yakin banyak orang lain) memberikan hak istimewa lain bagi temanku, yang mungkin selalu kita hindari untuk lakukan, dan sangat kita benci ketika orang lain melakukannya.
Aku memberikan temanku hak untuk men-judge.
Iya, tanpa sadar aku selalu butuh kemampuan mereka untuk menilai dan menghakimi. Menilai diriku sendiri, menilai orang yang sedang kuceritakan, ataupun orang lain yang asing simply untuk bahan pembicaraan.
Seriously, what are friends for if not to judge?
Aku selalu ingin dengar penilaian mereka, entah kupercaya atau tidak nantinya. Tapi, the idea of having them telling me their judgement itu terasa cukup. Paling tidak, aku merasa terisi.

Teman itu konsep yang manis bagiku. Tapi jujur, aku mungkin tidak bisa memperlakukan mereka semanis peran mereka di dalam kehidupanku.
Aku bukan orang yang manis, aku yaa seperti ini adanya. Tidak bisa berperilaku manis. Tapi yaa itu caraku mengapresiasi peran manis mereka, dan aku yakin orang-orang yang aku rujuk sebagai teman ini mengerti.

Aku mungkin bukan teman yang baik, apalagi manis. Di zaman yang sudah sangat maju ini, aku sulit untuk bisa keep up dengan teman-temanku. Dan aku benci diriku sendiri karena itu.
Aku tidak baik berkomunikasi melalui media, aku tidak nyata saat berkomunikasi di media. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana aku mengekspresikan diriku melalui media. Dan sayangnya, bagiku emoticon yang ada di media-media itu tidak cukup. Aku kecewa karena peran media sudah terlalu besar, walaupun tidak dapat dipungkiri betapa membantunya media-media itu. Aku janji aku berusaha, aku janji aku mau bisa berkomunikasi dengan teman-temanku melalui wadah apapun.

Aku masih belajar untuk menjadi teman yang baik, teman. Dan terima kasih karena kalian manis dengan cara kalian sendiri :)

Lalu?

Kalau mereka bilang itu, lalu apa?
Kalau mereka bilang mana yang benar, lalu bagaimana?
Kalau mereka rasa kita tidak seharusnya begitu, lalu kenapa?

Pilihan itu melimpah. Kamu pilih ini, kamu kehilangan itu.
Kamu bisa pilih ini, tapi kamu yakin kamu siap untuk kehilangan itu?
Aksi itu disambut reaksi, selalu. Tidak pernah tidak.
Silence is also a kind of reaction, isn't it?
Kalau sudah tau itu, lalu mengapa?

Mengapa pikirkan yang lain?
Mengapa mempertanyakan apa yang sudah kamu yakini?
Mengapa memberikan kesempatan untuk terciptanya ruang keraguan?
Mengapa membiarkan hal-hal yang seharusnya sudah terpikirkan kembali mengganggumu?
Mengapa perlu goyah?

Kamu aneh. Tapi, bukankah semua orang memang aneh?

I am.

Ask me how I'm doing, and I'll definitely say :

"I'm doing great!"

Yea, because I really am :)

We grow, but so does expectation.

It's just right in front of us, but I don't know, somehow we just can't reach it.

We know all the theory to reach it, to make it happen. However, it just stands still there, no move at all.

We stare at it, all the time.

We always wonder why it's so unreachable, why it's so unreal.

But guess what? We always think that we already get the answer, but, do we?

Is it really not moving at all?

What if it actually does move, all the time?

It moves at the exact same pace as we walk to reach it.

It moves. Just like us.

Sometimes we just don't realize that we actually 'get there'. We are there, or perhaps, we were.

We keep chasing something we don't know was able to run from us.

We run. We thought that it was so far, but in fact we have gotten there.

It's expectation. It's hope. It's target.

Once we're there, we unconsciously build another expectation which needs to be chased, to be achieved.

Therefore we run. 

We keep trying to reach those dynamic things, those which keep growing, which keep changing.

People can never get enough. We keep chasing.

Just don't forget to feel grateful.

Questions

Why can't I enjoy reading?
Why can't I read maps?
What can I do to make myself smart, like any other people?
Why do I feel like 24 hours is not enough?
Why can't I understand things easily?
Why can't I stand being in a crowd?
Why am I so sensitive yet so loud?
How can I be so lazy?
Why don't I really enjoy doing things I am quite good at?
Why I am not as passionate as other people on doing things most people would feel passionate about?
Why do I always sleep late although I actually have nothing to do?
Why the internet is so addictive?
Why do I love watching TV so much?

Life is so damn strange. And I gotta find the answers by myself.
I hope the process of finding the answers will be so much fun and enjoyable!

What I found

Check out what I found in my reading material for International Relations Theory review:

# Or home is really home, .... a comfortable place of familiar faces, where one's competence is undisputed and where one does not have to prove it to either oneself or others, but where for much the same reasons there is some risks of boredom.

#Trust tends to be a matter of shared perspectives, of 'I know, and I know you know, and I know that you know that I know'.


(Ulf Hannerz, "Cosmopolitans and Locals in World Culture" in Theory, Culture, and Society, 1990; 7; hlm. 248)

This is funny and weird. Those quotations are cool, but the fact that it's found in a material of International Relations Theory is super weird.
Well, just wanna share.


Have a nice day!

-BSS-

What is up?

This is weird. I didn't even remember that I have a blog. I even forgot my password and the mail I used for this blog. But yea, magic happens. And that magic is called internet. It's amazing how internet seems to be able to do anything. I mean, seriously anything. Right?

So I searched my name in google, and the first result that came out was this blog. That's what brought me here, writing again in my own blog. I know it's been more than one year since the last time I threw a piece of my mind here. However, I was so intrigued to write something in this blog, just to explain my current situation in life.

Yea, one year. I have been through a lot in life in one year. Maybe not great things, but some things have changed.

So, where do I start?

Well, okay, college life.
Soon my 4th semester is coming. Studying is never fun to me. But I have to admit that I have found my way in surviving my college life. I cannot deny that my major expects a lot from its students. The lecturers are demanding and they have very high expectations. It was hard, well it still is hard. But yea, as time goes by, I have found my rhythm, and thank God my score has been pretty good :)

Family.
My family hasn't changed. We are still the coolest people the earth can ever have :B but yea, due to many things we have to live our lives separately. It's not like we have problems, it's just another phase of getting older. My sister is now working full-time in a law firm, and she cannot stay in our home because it wouldn't be efficient. So she is now living near her office. And I have to live in an apartment with three other friends, for the same reason. I cannot always go home by train or drive my self to campus, because it would be very tiring. So, with that being said, now my brother is living as the only child at home with mom and dad.
My mom was moved from her old office. She is now working in a hospital near the airport. Crazy, huh? It's very far from my home. And my dad still rocks. He is now growing his hair again, and of course that upsets my mom. But yea, I love it!
No one is married, although actually my sister is supposed to get married soon (due to her age) :p She still doesn't want to get married, but hopefully she will, soon. Amin! And what else? Oh my brother is now in high school. As other high-schoolers, he becomes more ignorant and loves to be alone in his room or have fun with his friends. Well, although unlike other "normal" high-schoolers, he has to do karate training, almost every night.

Friends?
I've been having a great time in college. The friends are cool. We do things together, do assignments together, and have fun! I even traveled with some of them. I visited Bangka, Jogja-Solo, and even Malang-Bali-Lombok-Solo! Pretty cool, isn't it? Yea, I am having fun!

Rrrrr, love-life?
Not much is going on, actually. I broke up last year, in January 2011 and haven't really been with anyone since. And you know what? It doesn't suck. Well, the first 3 months was hard, but then it became all good. I thought I was still in love with my-ex, the first one that I was serious with. But when I asked to meet him, I realized that I didn't miss him. I missed the moments we once had. And that's it.
I am not saying that I haven't been in love in this one year, because maybe I have, and still am. I am quite sure that I am probably in love with this guy but I'm not looking for any relationship. I mean, I've been keeping it as casual as it can be, so I'm just letting it flow. I'm not aggressive, no matter how obsessed I am to keep him around :p moreover I always stay as myself whenever he is around, and that is something. I don't try to look beautiful in front of him. I never give a damn. But, I just know that I have a massive crush on him :) yea, let it flow.


Yep, that's pretty much about what is up with me for the last one year.
Just let's see if I still can keep this blog updated.

Ciao!

-BSS-