A confession.

This takes a lot of courage for me to finally say it, but dreams are terrifying.

I know what I have always dreamed of since I was a little. I was so focused on how to make it happen. People thought I was a very determined kid who knew what I was doing and what I wanted in life. 

I thought I knew what I was doing and what I wanted.

I dreamed something complicated and when I was a kid, it was such a big dream. But I kept believing that I would someday make it come true. And no one had doubt in me. I was sure everybody thought I was capable in reaching that dream. They would say that I was smart and that I had what it would take to actually grab it.

Apparently, the world gets scarier as time goes by. As I grow up, I see how the world is much more complicated than it was when I was a kid. It's no longer about knowing what's good and what's bad. It's beyond that. Sometimes everything is good, but I just need to choose which one would suit me best. The world is also unexpectedly competitive. Everybody seems to be very determined and would do anything to get what they want in life. Honestly, it scares me. Call me a coward, because maybe I am. But I didn't expect the world would be this rude. And this kind of world somehow buries the old me and my dream. This is perhaps because I had a pretty nice life back then. I think I kept my eyes shut while I was living. Perhaps I was too self-centered back then.

Don't ask whether I still have that dream or not, because it will always be a dream. Nevertheless, it's no longer my priority. I don't live to chase that dream. Throughout the years, I've been building a new dream. A very simple dream. A dream that might make my parents mad because it's not big enough, or because they would think I'm losing my direction in life. 

But one thing for sure, I strive for happiness. Yes, that big dream which has been buried would make me happy, yet I realize there's something simpler that will make me happier. I learn that from my sensitivity. I grew to be a very sensitive young lady. Someone who would cry over a TV show. Someone who could not stand goodbyes. Someone who appreciates sincerity and honesty highly. The bottom line is, I've been crying a lot. I sometimes even think of how can I never run out of tears? 

Nevertheless, I guess crying helps me understand what are the things that really mean to me. What things are dear to my heart, and what actually touches me. I knew what I really want, it might be a very simple thing, but I have no other obsession.

About the dream that was buried? As the world grows to be more sophisticated, it's no longer a big thing for people to get. Almost every people have experienced it, and to be very honest, I always enjoy going through every single photos that I found which captured the moment people experiencing it. I feel happy for them. Sure, I want to experience it myself, I want to prove whether everything I heard is true, I want to see things I saw through photos with my own eyes. But perhaps I am too scared to even start. No, it's not impossible for me to also have the chance to experience it, but I think I am happy enough to see people are having the best time of their lives. Call me naive, but I guess it's true. 

For me, apparently, it's not easy to step out of the comfort zone. I am too scared, and I think I am having a good time right now, focusing on the little things that might seems cheesy and small to other people. But I know myself better, and I know what I actually strive for. 

And I think, I'm living a pretty nice life, aren't I? :)

Love,

Binar

Human.

We are all human, a very basic fact that the essence of which is sometimes disregarded.
They say, no one is perfect. But on the other hand, human is the most perfect creature that is ever created by the almighty force whose power is beyond anything.
Human is incredibly complex and real. Human has things other creatures might not have. Human has mind and intelligence to think, and also senses to feel.

Human is us. We have all those potential that make us the most perfect creature in this world.
What makes us different from other creatures is our ability to think. To absorb things, put them in mind, channel them to our brain, and then tell our body parts what to do to respond to them.

Senses are also parts which differentiate us from other creatures. The most important thing of those varied senses is 'the heart'. We have heart to feel. I am not talking about heart that pumps blood to your whole body, but it's the heart that is actually imaginary. A shapeless concept which makes us feel. Which can make us weak or strong. Which can make us laugh when we are happy or cry when we are sad. It's an unreal thing that feels very real, and can be destroyed by some random intangible things.

Have you ever wondered why some words, some treatments, or even some people can make you feel hurt without them doing anything physical to you? Or why can you feel something is breaking inside you when those things happen? Or how come you can feel all those things hurting something that does not actually exist?
That is extraordinary. That is what makes us much more complex than any other creatures.
This imaginary heart is a potential, is a modal. It is a base of what we actually should do in life. It should be something that we take in mind to think, to decide, and to choose.

We feel, we think, and we do.
We do what we think is appropriate and should be done, based on what we or others would feel about it.
We are human. And remember, others are human, too.
And if we want to change things, we have to act like one. Act like what we actually are, a human.
Feel, think, and do.

How happy a human can be?

It's hard to define happiness. And I am sure no one can do such thing, since it depends on who sees and feels it.
I am now happy, but the question of how happy I am now is irrelevant. I happen to not be able to answer it, because as much as I love words, I am fully aware that sometimes the capacity that a word offers to explain things is limited.
I'm feeling the happiness which I wish everybody can feel. The happiness that can cheer you up every second of your day, just because you realize that everything is just a phase that you have to go through. The happiness that makes everything feel so easy, no matter hard work you need to put into it. The happiness that makes you want to see the sky and smile. The happiness that makes you feel like you're indeed a very lucky person, and you're grateful for it. The happiness which makes you think that nothing would be harmful enough to knock you down. The happiness which makes you feel relieved because you know you have nothing else to ask for, or because you feel settled and completed. The happiness that makes it much easier to smile and laugh. The happiness which makes you feel that everything that you've done persistently is worth it. The happiness which makes you feel that you are blessed and loved by someone that you dearly love.
So does that description answer the question of how happy I am? It doesn't. It's everything beyond what I wrote above. I am that happy.
Is this normal? Seriously, how happy a human can be?

Cheers!
-bss-

I made friends with a b*tch

Timing is a bitch, but I tried to make friends with that bitch.

I had no idea what had gotten into me and told me to do something I'd never had the courage to do. I did what my instinct said. I did what my soul wanted me to do. I did what I'd been trying to avoid for years.

I did it.

And somehow, that bitch cooperated well. I feel relieved and thankful for doing it. 

As selfish as it may sound, I finally gave myself a chance to breath easy and to feel whole again.

And, I also thank you. Yes, you.

There.

"I know about your rough edges and I've seen your perfect curves. I will fit in whatever spaces you let me."

-Sarah Kay, "Toothbrush to the Bicycle Tire".-

  

Those are the words I wish I had the courage to say. 

Those words are genuine and embody sincerity. 

Those words have no expectation. Those words offer.

There. I said it.

Silenced.

When I grow fonder of you every each day, is it my fault?

There are times when scream, shout, tears, and madness cannot walk in line to be let out. There are times when they all want to be reckoned and be voiced out at the same time. There are times when heart and mind can no longer compromise and make a decision that will solve what's been troubling. There are times when battling with yourself is inevitable. And all those things has always resulted me not knowing what to do or say.

'But' and contradiction

Contradiction is a confusing word, as it explains a very confusing situation that may not be understandable. I happen to be very familiar with the word, because it may be the word I'd use if I have to sum up the behavior of all human-beings in this world. And with that being said, I can also say that contradiction is somewhat normal and common. Whose life isn't contradictory after all?

Okay, maybe using that word to generalize what happens in this world would be a hard task to prove. However, at least that's what I feel about what happens around me, or even more specific, what happens to me. And all of these things hit me when I ask myself; what exactly I want in life. I might have known the answer, I have memorized it until it automatically pops out in my mind every time that type of question is asked. And maybe you do, too. 

But, is it really your deepest desire? Have a moment of silence, think again, and ask the same thing to yourself all over again soulfully, and add the word "Really?" after you answer it for the second time. It doesn't matter whether the answer is the same or different. What matters is that you give yourself a moment to dive in a solitary space and reflect. You give yourself a permission to look deeper and see how what you do now can help you in achieving what you want. You give yourself the chance to find the contradiction you do or feel in every step that you take. 

And when I do all of those things, I realize that unconsciously I've used the word 'but' too many in life, whether as an excuse because I don't want to take the blame or as a permission for myself to give up. I wonder who actually invent and taught me the word 'but', because now I hate it. That word makes everything become more complicated than they already are, that word gives people reason to do the opposite, and that word gives room for contradiction to occur. 

2012 and 2013

I know it's quite late to welcome 2013, since I've been living for 18 days in this year. But I have some things that I would really like to say to reminisce what happened in 2012, and what hopes and expectations 2013 brings.

Time flies, and 2012 was awesome. Ups and downs were definitely there. I wish technology somehow would ever help me record, save, keep, and copy everything I saw and felt into a CD so they would be there forever to be tools for people to learn, embrace, and feel grateful. 2012 definitely gave me so many things to learn and think about. 

As days passed, I understand more about what exactly life offers and that life works in a funny unexpected way. I may not be able to figure out how to live and deal with it well yet, but I know one thing for sure, differences in perspective are beautiful. 2012 gave me that lesson. I used to hate having arguments, but now I somehow enjoy hearing words that represent perspective from other people. I know I don't have to agree with it, but things other people choose, how they perceive life and the world, what they want in life, and many other things are definitely enriching. I used to hate meeting new people and starting conversation, but now as bad and as nervous I am to start new conversation, the idea and possibility of figuring out new things pushes me to be more daring to do things I didn't have the courage to do before. And guess what, I may not be able to explain how those things affect me as a person (even though they definitely do), I can tell you that I met so many great people. I become friends with some of them, and they are wonderful. We actually have different world in our minds, and our ideas of how life should be handled are also varied. But somehow, we still manage to keep the conversations flowing and share laughter at the same time.

Tears were also part of 2012. They help me determine things that hurt me. Then I understood how life can hurt and work in an unpleasant way, and therefore I need to be prepared for it. They kicked me in the ass and woke me up. They told me to be a tougher person than I was before. They wanted me to embrace life even more. Again, I may not have done it well, but at least now I know that I should. 

2012 was awesome. 

And dear 2013, I bet you would be pain in the ass sometimes, but I do hope some good stuff will come out of you too. I do want so many things to happen and occur in this year, and it may be hard to mention it one by one. But I really want to absorb everything that will happen around me. I want to see, hear, feel, write, and share more. 

Thanks 2012 for getting me ready to welcome 2013 :)

"I Still Think of You"